Eske ou ka ede nou, souple? - LOLgislation #046

FL Senate 2010: SB 2310

By Senator Frederica S. Wilson, Minority Lead Whip, (D, Miami-Dade)

A bill to be entitled                     
   
An act relating to the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test; recognizing the continuing,  devastating, and far-reaching effects of the January 12, 2010, earthquake in Haiti;
 
Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:
 
         Section 1. In recognition of the continuing, devastating, and far-reaching effects of the January 12, 2010, earthquake in Haiti, any school that has a student population of at least 40 percent who are of Haitian descent shall administer the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test, as required in s. 1008.22, Florida Statutes, during the 2009-2010 school year; however, all students are exempt from any adverse impact the scores may have on promotion, retention, or graduation. The State Board of Education shall adopt guidelines by September 1, 2010, for determining which schools qualify for this exemption. Based on the guidelines, the Commissioner of Education shall determine which schools qualify for this exemption and by October 1, 2010, certify his or her findings to the Governor, the President of the Senate, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, the State Board of Education, and the schools qualifying for this exemption.

How thoughtful.

I don't really like the FCAT system anyway, so I don't entirely mind that test results will be thrown out the window, but...

It seems odd that in a school with 40% Haitian students, the other 60% are also exempt from adverse effects of their test results. It's also odd that in a school with 5% Haitian students, those students will not be exempt from having to formally read and calculate at grade level.

I imagine the students at school #2, with a much smaller Haitian community, would have a tougher time losing their entire extended families under the rubble of what used to be Port-au-Prince. I imagine school #1, with such a large Haitian community, already has information and connections to grief counseling for those children, in addition to the network of other Haitians who share their experience.

Would it really be so difficult to simply exempt all students of Haitian descent, regardless of school, and not exempt the 6 out of 10 non-Haitian students who happen to go to a "qualified" school? Are the "qualified" schools so busy with the Haitian students they're not teaching the rest of the students anything?

No school would know if they qualified as exempt until next fall. Wouldn't "promotion or retention" have already happened?

Signed, Sealed, Electronically Delivered - LOLgislation #045

FL Senate 2010: SB 0860
By Senator Steve Oelrich (R, Alachua-Gilchrist)

It's true we don't do enough letter writing these days. I want to meet the man who still leaves a formally written, signed and sealed threat on the table when he leaves for work in the morning.

Just so you know, I'm gonna f***ing kill you when I get back. Don't think of going anywhere. I will find you. –Bob

A bill to be entitled                     

An act relating to threats; amending s. 836.10, F.S.; prohibiting the communication of a threat to unlawfully do physical harm to the person or property of another in the course of committing an act of domestic violence; providing criminal penalties; revising provisions relating to the sending of or procuring the sending of letters or inscribed communications containing certain threats of death or bodily injury; providing an effective date.
 
Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:
 
         Section 1. Section 836.10, Florida Statutes, is amended to read:
         836.10 Written Threats to kill or do bodily injury; punishment.—
         (1) Except as provided in subsection (2), any person who communicates or causes to be communicated orally, in writing, or through the use of electronic or other means a threat to unlawfully do physical harm to the person or property of another in the course of committing an act of domestic violence, as defined in s. 741.28, commits a misdemeanor of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083.
         (2) If Any person who writes or composes and also sends or procures the sending of any letter or inscribed communication in writing, or using electronic or other means, so written or composed, whether such letter or communication be signed or anonymous, to any person, containing a threat to kill or to unlawfully do bodily injury to the person to whom such letter or communication is sent, or a threat to kill or unlawfully do bodily injury to any member of the family of the person to whom such letter or communication is sent commits, the person so writing or composing and so sending or procuring the sending of such letter or communication, shall be guilty of a felony of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084.
         Section 2. This act shall take effect October 1, 2010.

Welcome to the 21st century!

Several years ago a woman in my family became the "true love" of an older, married, retired cop. Because divorce proceedings were, of course, not forthcoming, she ended it. Ish.

He proceeded to do all the scary stalker things involving hidden cameras, stakeouts, tailings, shakedowns, etc. She changed her job and moved out of her house and started living in various motels to hide. Yet he stalked her.

Until one day he started leaving voicemails – in a creepy sing-song voice – that he was going to find her and kill her dead.

She sought a restraining order, but no! Voicemail is not "written or inscribed." Add a good character witness from the Force and you see this poor woman's dilemma.

Like the only people who get death threats are celebrities and politicians. Pff.

Is Your Sexual Battery Fully Charged? - LOLgislation #044

FL Senate 2010: SB 0870
By Senator Dave Aronberg (D, Palm Beach-Glades)

A bill to be entitled                     

An act relating to statutes of limitation for sexual battery; amending ss. 95.11 and 775.15, F.S.; eliminating statutes of limitations to the institution of criminal or civil actions relating to sexual battery of a child if the victim is under 16 years of age at the time of the offense; providing applicability; providing an effective date.
 
Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:
 
        Section 1. Subsection (9) is added to section 95.11, Florida Statutes, to read:
        95.11 Limitations other than for the recovery of real property.—Actions other than for recovery of real property shall be commenced as follows:
        (9) SEXUAL BATTERY OFFENSES ON VICTIMS UNDER AGE 16.—Any action related to an act constituting a violation of s. 794.011 involving a victim who was under the age of 16 at the time of the act may be commenced at any time. This subsection applies to any such action other than one that would have been time barred on or before July 1, 2010.
        Section 2. Paragraph (c) is added to subsection (13) of section 775.15, Florida Statutes, to read:
        775.15 Time limitations; general time limitations; exceptions.—
        (13)
        (c) If the offense is a violation of s. 794.011 and the victim was under 16 years of age at the time the offense was committed, a prosecution of the offense may be commenced at any time. This paragraph applies to any such offense except an offense the prosecution of which would have been barred by subsection (2) on or before July 1, 2010.
        Section 3. This act shall take effect July 1, 2010.

Poor Richard. He's been planning his Statute of Limitations Party for a year.

He first sexually battered that girl right after she turned 12. After about a year, on July 2, 2006, the authorities were notified, but she denied everything so he was never prosecuted. Anyway, he was planning a coming out party for July 2 this year. Some kind of fetish party for all his child-porn friends from the internet. He spent weeks writing a speech for a toast so he could graphically announce that he coerced that 12 year old into sex acts that would ordinarily land him first, second, and third degree felonies, and how awesome it was. Since, you know, he can't be prosecuted or whatever.

It was a lucky thing the authorities were notified while she was only 13. Otherwise the limitations clock wouldn't have started counting down the four years until her eighteenth birthday. Now it just so happens the party lines up with her seventeenth birthday. He hired twelve 17 year old lookalikes to service him and his friends at the party because he couldn't find the original girl, and wasn't sure she'd even still be into it anyway.

But she was under 16, and the new law would go into effect the day before his party, so he could be prosecuted, like, whenever she says go.

Well. I suppose he could still throw the party. He just won't be able to make his announcement. Pretty anticlimactic. Plus living in fear probably sucks.

Foreign Friday - Rhode Island!

My Two Dads - LOLgislation #F030

RI March 2010: S 2693
By Senator Louis P. DiPalma (D)

SENATE RESOLUTION

COMMEMORATING THE CELEBRATION OF ST. JOSEPH'S DAY   

        WHEREAS, Saint Joseph, Holy Patriarch and Patron Saint of Workers, known by his deeds, was a man of quiet courage and deep faith who was tested in Nazareth, Bethlehem, and Egypt; and
    WHEREAS, Humble yet noble, patient yet determined, Saint Joseph accepted his burdens and bore them with dignity, all the while exhibiting an enduring strength as family patriarch, guide, and guardian during the most perilous of times; and
       WHEREAS, Saint Joseph is celebrated by Christians around the world, from the tropical heat of the Philippines, to the ancient thoroughfares of Rome, to the storied walls of San Juan Capistrano, as the embodiment of family solidarity – a dedicated, humble, hardworking father and husband; and
    WHEREAS, On March 19th, the annual celebration of the Feast of Saint Joseph – nearly 2000 years after his sojourn on earth came to an end – Italian-Americans and all others renew their efforts to emulate the just peace of a loving and beloved man, the wealth of faith, and the noble overcoming of adversity displayed by Saint Joseph; and
        WHEREAS, Italians and Italian-Americans celebrate the prevention of a Sicilian famine in the Middle Ages as a miracle attributed to Saint Joseph; and
        WHEREAS, Italian immigrants to Rhode Island helped form the cultural foundation of our state and today they sing the praises of Saint Joseph as songs of inclusion, of strength tempered by faith, of sacrifice for family, and of the glorious gift of honest labor; now, therefore be it
        RESOLVED, That this Senate of the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations hereby commemorates the celebration of the Feast of St. Joseph and the principles his life celebrates.

Despite Christianity's patriarchal bent, Joseph doesn't get nearly enough play. It's all Virgin Mary this and Holy Mother that. God seems to be the only one of Jesus's fathers anybody gives a damn about. But it ain't about the supernatural DNA. Who was there all those years, huh, walking him to temple and teaching him how to carpent? That's right. Joseph.

The Sicilians understand Joseph. They know he was the one doing the work, keeping the family fed and in line. He was bustin' his balls down here for somebody else's son he treated like his very own.

And now, the people of the state of Rhode Island commemorate Jesus's Little Papa with THE MOST EPIC LANGUAGE POSSIBLE.

So, Rhode Island, do you teach about Joseph's historically proven sojourn in your schools?

Horsemeat - LOLgislation #043

FL Senate 2010: SB 1708
By Senator Victor D. Crist (R, Hillsborough-Pasco)

A Bill to be entitled

An act relating to the unlawful slaughter of horses; amending s. 500.451, F.S.; prohibiting specified acts relating to horsemeat for human consumption; providing penalties; increasing the classification of offenses relating to horsemeat for human consumption; …
 
 Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:
 
        Section 1. Section 500.451, Florida Statutes, is amended to read:
        500.451 Horse meat; offenses.—
        (1) It is unlawful for any person to:
        (a) Sell in the markets of this state horse meat for human consumption unless the horse meat is clearly stamped, marked, and described as horse meat for human consumption.
        (b) Knowingly transport, distribute, sell, purchase, or possess horsemeat for human consumption which is not clearly stamped, marked, and described as horsemeat for human consumption or horsemeat that is not acquired from a licensed slaughterhouse.
        (2) A person that violates this section commits a felony of the third degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084, except that any person who commits a violation of this section shall be sentenced to a minimum mandatory fine of $3,500 and a minimum mandatory period of incarceration of 1 year.
        (3) In addition to any penalties provided in subsection (2), any license of any restaurant, store, or other business may be suspended as provided in the applicable licensing law upon conviction of an owner or employee of that business for a violation of this section in connection with that business.
        Section 2. Subsection (1) of section 828.125, Florida  Statutes, is amended to read:
        828.125 Killing or aggravated abuse of registered breed horses or cattle; offenses; penalties.—Any other provisions of this chapter to the contrary notwithstanding:
        (1) Any person who willfully and unlawfully, by any means whatsoever, kills, maims, mutilates, or causes great bodily harm or permanent breeding disability to any animal of the genus Equus (horse) or any animal of any registered breed or recognized registered hybrid of the genus Equus (horse) or genus Bos (cattle) commits, or any recognized registered hybrid of the specified genera, shall be guilty of a felony of the second degree, punishable as provided by s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084, except that any person who commits a violation of this subsection shall be sentenced to a minimum mandatory fine of $3,500 and a minimum mandatory period of incarceration of 1 year.

This bill makes it sound as if people are being fed precious ponies when they order beef at a butcher or restaurant. As if it's a labeling issue.

In reality horsesemeat is hard to come by, expensive, recognized internationally as a delicacy, and still legal in Florida. The people who are buying and serving and eating horsemeat know it's horsemeat. They want horsemeat.

The real problem is good old fashioned horse-thieving. Except people carve them up on the side of the road and then sell the meat from neighborhood establishments, or just person-to-person. (Specifically in South Florida.) What if a transporter or butcher simply labels his tucked-away black-market horsemeat as beef? What about the freezer full of horsecuts in some guy's garage? Were the people caught with illegally slaughtered horsemeat not punished previously?

Old Men and the Sea - LOLgislation #042

FL Senate 2010: SB 1904
By Senator Alfred "Al" Lawson, Jr. (D, Leon-Madison-Gulf)

Fish, I love you and respect you very much, but I will kill you dead before this day ends.

A bill to be entitled                  

Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:

        Section 1. Paragraph (e) of subsection (2) of section 379.361, Florida Statutes, is amended to read:        
379.361 Licenses.—
        (2) SALTWATER PRODUCTS LICENSE.—
        (e) The annual fee for a saltwater products license is:
        1. For a license issued in the name of an individual which authorizes only that individual to engage in commercial fishing activities from the shore or a vessel: a resident must pay $50; a nonresident must pay $200; or an alien must pay $300. However, a license shall be issued at no charge to any resident who is age 65 or older, upon proof of age and residency.

Elder Fishers of Florida,
Now is the time to think of only one thing. That which you were born for.
- We the People

Foreign Friday - Minnesota!

Death By Chocolate No More - LOLgislation #F020

MN Senate 09-10: S.F. No. 0122, 1st Engrossment
By Senator D. Scott Dibble (DFL)

A bill for an act relating to pet animals; requiring a notice for retail sales of unprocessed cocoa bean shell mulch; proposing coding for new law in Minnesota Statutes, chapter 325E.

BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF MINNESOTA:

    Section 1. [325E.128] NOTICE FOR UNPROCESSED COCOA BEAN SHELL MULCH.
(a) Except as provided in paragraph (d), a person who sells a product containing cocoa bean shell mulch at retail must post the notice in paragraph (b) in a manner clearly visible to a consumer examining a product containing cocoa bean mulch offered for sale.
(b) The notice must be in 36-point type or larger and state: "The ingestion of cocoa bean shell mulch that has not been processed to be nontoxic is poisonous to pets. If a pet has eaten unprocessed cocoa bean shell mulch, you should immediately contact a veterinarian or the Animal Poison Control Center at (888) 426-4435."
(c) A retailer may include additional language in the notice in order to promote the sale of a product containing unprocessed cocoa bean shell mulch, provided that the language in paragraph (b) is present.
(d) This section does not apply to the sale of product containing cocoa bean shell mulch that has been processed to remove theobromine to a nontoxic level from the cocoa bean shell mulch.

When I initially saw the summary, "requiring posted notice," I was thinking something like those little pesticide or security system yard signs. Like, included in each bag of chocolate mulch would be a little sign for one to announce to dog-walking neighbors that one's yard is deadly.

But no.

Apparently dog owners don't sufficiently comprehend that chocolate mulch – literally made of chocolate – will have the same effect on their dogs as… chocolate.

Because These Rights Are God-Given - LOLgislation #039

FL Senate 2010: SB 1968
By Senator Christopher L. "Chris" Smith (D, Palm Beach-Broward)

A bill to be entitled                     

An act relating to offenses committed on the grounds of a religious institution; creating s. 775.0865, F.S.; providing for the reclassification of the felony degree for a violation of the offense of burglary or theft when committed on the grounds of a religious institution; providing an effective date.

Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:
 
         Section 1. Section 775.0865, Florida Statutes, is created to read:
 775.0865 Offenses committed on the grounds of a religious institution; reclassification.—
         (1) For purposes of this section, the term “religious institution” has the same meaning as provided in s. 496.404.
         (2) The felony degree of any violation of:
         1. Section 810.02, relating to burglary; or
         2. Section 812.014, relating to theft,
 
shall be reclassified as provided in this section if the offense is committed on the grounds of a religious institution.
         (3)(a) In the case of a felony of the third degree, the offense is reclassified to a felony of the second degree.
         (b) In the case of a felony of the second degree, the offense is reclassified to a felony of the first degree.
         (c) In the case of a felony of the first degree, the offense is reclassified to a life felony.
 
For purposes of sentencing under chapter 921 and determining incentive gain-time eligibility under chapter 944, a felony offense that is reclassified under this subsection is ranked one level above the ranking under s. 921.0022 or s. 921.0023 of the offense committed.

Equal protection under the law. Totally.

"Hey Burglar! WTF!? You burgled a church, man? Now we're really gonna fuck you up."
- We the People

This will certainly be laughed out of Judiciary, right? Right?

Jelly's Last Sugary Jam - LOLgislation #038

FL Senate 2010: SB 2370
By Senator Eleanor Sobel (D, Broward)

A bill to be entitled                     
   
Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:

Section 1. Section 509.234, Florida Statutes, is created to read:

509.234 Sugar free substitutes for syrups and fruit preserves; notice to guests.—A public food service establishment that serves pancake or waffle syrup or any jelly, jam, marmalade, or other fruit preserves must:

(1) Serve a sugar free substitute for such syrup or fruit preserves.
(2) Provide notice to guests of the availability of such sugar free syrup or fruit preserves. The notice must be included on the establishment’s food menu and displayed prominently in any location at the establishment where any foods served with such syrup or fruit preserves are advertised for sale, including, but not limited to, the posting of daily specials, an overhead menu posted at a food service counter, an outdoor menu posted for guests using a drive-through service window, and any signage posted at the establishment.

So, by sugar free do we just mean sucrose free? Or free of sucrose, fructose, glucose, et al.? I thought "sugar" was already absent from such products. The signage should read, "High-Fructose Corn Syrup or Aspartame? You decide!"

I bet restaurant owners can't wait to reprint all their menus and signage to let people know they now have two varieties commercial single-serving jam and jelly-ish concoctions – unnatural and less natural. Because people like to feel they have the option of drowning their pancakes in the healthy syrup-products, free from the risk of diabetes.

Caddy #1, with corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, water, natural and artificial flavors, and caramel color.

Caddy #2, with NutraSweet ®

Psychotropic Magnum Opus - LOLgislation #037

FL Senate 2010: SB 2718
By Senator Ronda Storms (R, Hillsborough-Polk)

This bill is 443 lines long. TLDR. Instead I'll give you the gist. (Which is still too long. Sry.) Relating to the willy-nilly drugging of children: some good intentions.

An act repealing s. 39.407(3), F.S., relating to the authority of the Department of Children and Family Services to prescribe psychotropic medication to a child in its custody;

(1)(b) […] the [department's] use of psychotropic medications […] has increased over recent years. While this increased use of psychotropic medications is paralleled by an increase in the rate of the coadministration of two or more psychotropic medications […] and research supporting the practice of polypharmacy in this population is limited.

(1)(c) The Legislature further finds that […] children […] are subjected to multiple placements and many service providers, with communication between providers often poor, resulting in fragmented medical and mental health care. […] high turnover among child welfare caseworkers […] no consistent interested party […]

(1)(d) It is therefore the intent of the Legislature that children […] receive those medications safely as  part of a comprehensive mental health treatment plan overseen by a court-appointed guardian ad litem.

(8) Absent a finding of a compelling governmental interest, a psychotropic medication may not be prescribed for any child from birth to 10 years of age who is in out-of-home placement. […]

(9) At no time shall a child in the custody of the department be allowed to participate in a clinical trial that is designed to develop new psychotropic medications or evaluate their application to children.

Parents can parent however pathetically or praiseworthy they choose, within the law; this is America. This means we are completely free to drug the children we can't parent.

But the minors in question are Wards in Chancery. We are admitting we often lose them in the shuffle, subject them to caseworker whim, and keep them manageable with ever-changing pharmaceutical cocktails paid for by Medicaid. We admit they often have no single "consistent interested party" overseeing their long-term development and integration into society. A lifetime of drug use was supposed to fill the hole the selfish bitter mother/angry distant father/lack of both or either left behind.

I suspect the presence alone of a "consistent interested party" would put a bigger dent in our rising prescription rates than the "express, informed consent or assent of either party." But that's not quite the "interest" we're talking about here.

Resolution Relating to Might've Died Babies - LOLgislation #036

FL Senate 2010: SR 2738
By Senator Nan H. Rich (D, Broward, Miami-Dade)

Senate Resolution                       

WHEREAS, the Florida Legislature adopted legislation in 2000 establishing safe haven facilities where parents could anonymously place newborn infants, who might otherwise be abandoned, without fear of prosecution, and
[...]
WHEREAS, by establishing a multilingual referral help line that is constantly staffed with a network of volunteers and providing public service announcements and a publicly accessible website of information, “A Safe Haven for Newborns” has become  the primary information resource in Florida alerting parents as to how they can anonymously and safely place their newborn infants, thereby saving lives, and
WHEREAS, since the inception of the safe haven law in 2000, at least 143 newborns have been placed in safe haven facilities, due in large measure to the leadership of the Gloria M. Silverio Foundation, and
WHEREAS, […], NOW, THEREFORE,

Be It Resolved by the Senate of the State of Florida:

That February 2010 is recognized as “Safe Haven for Newborns Month” in Florida and the Gloria M. Silverio Foundation is commended for its efforts to protect newborns through safe haven facilities and support.
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that a copy of this resolution, with the Seal of the Senate affixed, be presented to Nick E. Silverio of “A Safe Haven for Newborns” as a tangible token of the sentiments of the Florida Senate.

Due to Great International Embarrassment in 2008 over our children's belief that a shot of Mountain Dew and a puff on the peace pipe would prevent pregnancy, the Florida Legislature hurriedly agreed to allow something a touch more "comprehensive" than strict abstinence-only education. But it's still Great to Wait.

We don't bother with aiding our young, undereducated, desperate, poor, scared and/or abused, drug-addicted mothers before they end up that way – with basic education and access to reproductive healthcare. But we will commend this foundation for helping us net our own oopsies at the last second.

Every state has Baby Moses laws. Nevermind that tens of thousands of newborns were already safely left in maternity wards nationally, or that babies still turn up dead in parking lots and dumpsters sometimes, same as anybody else.

Foreign Friday - Indiana!

LOLgislation #F010
IN House 2010: HB 1345
Introduced By Reps. Borders, Clere, Messmer, Truitt
(Srsly. Just look at these guys)

A BILL FOR AN ACT to amend the Indiana Code concerning trade regulation.

Spray Tanning Facilities
(a) Spray tanning may not be applied to a minor unless the parent or guardian of the person has signed a written permission statement in the presence of the owner or operator of the spray tanning business.
(b) If spray tanning is applied to a minor who has exposed the:        
(1) male or female genitals;
(2) pubic area;
(3) buttocks; or
(4) female breast;
the minor must have a parent or guardian present at the spray tanning facility when the spray tanning is applied to the minor.
(c) If spray tanning is applied to a minor who has exposed the:
(1) male or female genitals;
(2) pubic area;
(3) buttocks; or
(4) female breast;
the owner or operator who is applying the spray tanning must be of the same gender as the minor who is being spray tanned.

Will the Gays be prohibited from obtaining salon licenses? Does the attending parent or guardian also have to be the same gender as the minor? And by gender don't they really mean sex?

By the time Miss Indiana won Miss America in 2009, (most assuredly for her passionate performance of the song Via Dolorosa, chronicling the Passion of Christ), her female genitals, pubic area, buttocks, and female breast had been sprayed tan for seven years.

"But Mom! I have competition! I need to go Today!"

"You have a car, just go. I have to drive out and make sure that arthritic hag gets your dress finished by five."

Do you think if Miss Katie Stam missed a crucial tan over a permission slip and chaperone anybody would know anything about Indiana? Other than what they learn from Parks and Recreation?

Locked Locker Room Locks Lock - LOLgislation #035

FL Senate 2010: SB 2602
By Senator Ronda Storms (R, Hillsborough-Polk)

An act relating to grade K through 12 schools; requiring that locker rooms in K-12 schools be locked when not in use by students or other authorized persons and be directly supervised by faculty or staff when in use by students; providing fines for violations; providing for the use of any fines that are collected; providing an effective date [of July 1, 2010].

Section 2. A school that is found to be in violation of this act three times shall be fined $1,000 for the third and each subsequent violation by the Department of Education. [...] The fines shall be used for anti-bullying measures.

Fine already cash-strapped schools $1,000 per violation!? That's, like, two weeks of a teacher's pay. (See also: $250 Deadly Tread fines)

I was always told locker room tension, humiliation, and violence were character-builders. Given the anti-bullying trust fund, sounds like it was a fun lawsuit!

The threats of violence and, (yes), actual violence I endured at my fairly well-policed public middle school had far less impact on my development than the subtler and more nefarious forms of public humiliation carried out by the faculty. Tactics which, in today's sue-happy helicopter-parenting entitlement-environment, would be obvious grounds for suit.

Bullying is bad, sure. And locker rooms can be scary! But locker room supervision under threat of financial penalty is not the same as actually teaching kids not to be so shitty to each other.

Today's kids will just find other places to suck down a joint and one of their mom's crumpled Marlboro Lights, make out, masturbate away their accidental boners, play with knives, practice lock-cracking, etc. And other places to bully.

In the immortal words of Dr. Ian Malcolm during his visit to Jurassic Park, "life, uh, finds a way."

LOLgislation #030: Relating to Old Rubbers

FL Senate 2010: SB 1770
By Senator Rudy Garcia (R, Miami-Dade)

A bill to be entitled                     

An act relating to the sale of tires; creating s. 501.94, F.S.; prohibiting the sale of certain old tires; providing for ...; providing an effective date of July 1, 2010. 

(s. 501.94) Sale of old tires prohibited.—
(1)(a) Any new or used motor vehicle dealer or other business that sells tires may not sell a new or used tire that is more than 6 years old, based on the date that the tire was manufactured.
(b) A person who violates this section is subject to a civil fine, not to exceed $250 per violation, which shall be imposed by the Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services and transferred to the General Inspection Trust Fund and used to fund the administration of this section.

Two points:
(1) The six-year shelf life of unused stored tires was accepted and implemented in many places up to a decade ago.
(2) Tire recycling is big in Florida.

You might already enjoy fresh tires thanks to personal injury attorneys and the resultant corporate guidelines at major retailers. But the fine isn't to exceed $250 per violation? 

Are we bullying smaller operators or just enforcing a circulation time limit on tires to ensure they go through the recycling process at a managed rate to be resold into the manufacture of new consumer products?

We should just be told we'll all die blowing out in a highway downpour and kill someone else's babies in the process if we don't get four new tires every year.

LOLgislation #025: Say Hello to the 40oz

FL Senate 2010: SB 2062
By Senator Dave Aronberg (D, Palm Beach-Glades)

Alright, Aronberg. You're young, liberal, and you've been a busy little bee. (No relation to SB 2376 - Relating to Honey.)

A bill to be entitled                    

An act relating to malt beverages; amending s. 561.221, F.S.; removing a provision limiting a vendor that brews malt beverages to the sale of the beverage to consumers only for consumption on the premises of the vendor or on a contiguous premises owned by the vendor; amending s. 563.06, F.S.; removing a provision limiting the size of individual containers of malt beverages which may be sold or offered for sale by vendors at retail; providing an effective date of July 1, 2010.

(s. 563.06) All malt beverages packaged in individual containers sold or offered for sale by vendors at retail in this state shall be in individual containers of any size. containing no more than 32 ounces of such malt beverages; provided, however, that nothing contained in This section does not shall affect malt beverages packaged in bulk or in kegs or in barrels or in any individual container containing 1 gallon or more of such malt beverage regardless of individual container type.

All the kids up in Tally can stop crossing the state line into Georgia for their 40oz malt guffaws. Sublime's 40oz to Freedom is no longer a lie in our great state! Regulations on malt brews have been in place since way before I drank my first and only quart of blue St. Ides when I was 13 and newly attempting to do the things the normal people seemed to be doing. (In Aronberg's SoFl district, btw.)

Relating to Offense of Sexting: LOLgislation #020

FL Senate 2010: SB 2560
By Senator Dave Aronberg (D, Palm Beach-Glades)

A bill to be entitled                     

An act relating to the offense of sexting; providing that a minor commits the offense of sexting if he or she knowingly uses a computer, or any other device capable of electronic data transmission or distribution, to transmit or distribute to another person any photograph or video of himself or herself which depicts nudity and is harmful to minors, or knowingly possesses such a photograph or video that was transmitted or distributed to the minor from another minor; providing noncriminal and criminal penalties; providing that the act does not prohibit prosecution of a minor for conduct relating to material that includes the depiction of sexual conduct or sexual excitement or for stalking; providing an effective date of October 1, 2010.

So, wait. I'm a thirteen year old boy, and this girl from my math class sexts me a picture of her boobs. I'd want to knowingly possess such a photograph that was transmitted to me, a minor, by another minor, so later I can go conduct myself relating to sexual excitement, and then show my friend the girl who sexted me is hotter than the girl who sexted him.

Wait, penalties for possession!? But she's the one who sexted me a picture of her boobs!

As for the girls, this is just another layer of bullshit on top of all the unsolicited dick pics they receive.